Why Am I Shedding Tears?

Yesterday I had intentions of posting this week’s Weigh-In Wednesday, but I couldn’t pull myself to do it. Instead I watched the debate and I can’t believe Mitt Romney wants to get rid of Big Bird. What’s up with that Mittens? Let me get back on topic. The reason I couldn’t pull myself to post last night is because I have a lot on my mind and I’m trying to not let it get to me.

On the last day of FitBloggin I found out that my father is not doing well. I didn’t know how to feel, because my father and I haven’t had a relationship since I was in middle school. As the years went by I thought of him less as a father and more as the man who knocked up my mother. From what I heard he was a good guy, I just wish I had a chance to see that. As I shed a tear I think about all of the times I needed him the most and he wasn’t there. All the memories you think your father should be in, he wasn’t there. When I bought my first car? Nope he wasn’t there. When I tried out for the football team? Nope he wasn’t there. When I played football for three years (two in high school and one in college)? Nope! My first day of college? Nope! When I transferred to another college? Nope! When I had job interviews and I didn’t know how to tie a tie? Nope! When I moved to Connecticut and started Grad School? Nope! All of these memories and more that he wasn’t in my life for; and to think I was OK with him not being in my life…Well why do I instantly get angry when someone says, “You look just like your father,” because it’s an instant reminder of a man who I never knew.

Now I have to question my self-worth, myself-esteem, my self-efficacy and everything else dealing with myself, because I have to deal with the fact that he’s part of me. That’s the reason why I hated myself most of my life, wanted to die, tried to commit suicide, because deep inside I wanted to kill that part of him. Not because I hate him but because I was tired of feeling that pain of him not being here.

So when I get a call from my mother saying, “You need to come home in the next couple of weeks because your father is not doing well.” I feel like I shouldn’t go. Why? Because I want an explanation why he wasn’t there and he’s so far gone; that he can’t give me one. So what’s the point? So I can pay my respect and see him one last time before he’s gone? Why would I want to do that? Because in my eyes he’s already gone; so why am I shedding tears while I write this? Why am I craving cake, cookies, pie, and alcohol; when I know it’s not going to soothe my pain? How can I help Mission Meltdown with his cravings, when I’m craving the something? Thank god, there is a Pink Berry next to Cold Stone, because I just want to go in Cold Stone and eat ice cream straight from the metal bin, but instead I had a small Chocolate Hazelnut from Pink Berry. See I have demons too!

When I was FitBloggin someone wanted to apologize for “how greedy” they were. I told them to do what they have to do because I can’t look down at anyone because we all are at a fitness bloggers conference, we all got issues in one shape or form…I can’t pass judgment on anyone, because give me the right trigger I’ll out eat anyone….

Wow! This was supposed to be a weigh-in post, but my heart was heavy and I had to get it off of my chest.. Yesterday I weighed in at 315.1 pounds that’s -1.1 lbs. down from last week. For those counting that 23.5 lbs. down since the creation of this blog (July 1, 2012); I’m so close to 25 pounds lost I can taste it.

Until next time I’m 300 Pounds and Running

Ps. Don’t forget to enter into the giveaway I’m having.